Dear future husband of mine

Heya,

I’m starting to realise that I’m not yet ready for you. I’m trying to organise my life so that I’ll be the best Tarah. I want to love myself wildly, madly, ridiculously but I’m not there yet. I used to be all about the drama and I’m still a bit ‘about the drama’. That has to stop.

I’m getting closer and closer to loving myself. It took 27.5 years to get to this stage.

So you say that you’re intelligent, eh? Good for you. No, really, good for you. But that don’t impress me much. It used to, though. That and being emotionally unavailable — married, ‘busy’, or just interested in a good old time. But really, I’m glad that you are intelligent even though it’s no longer my defining criterium. Relationships aren’t about intelligence; relationships are about two people who love each other.

So please hang in there. Go out and have fun, work on yourself, learn as much as you can, and have more fun.

I’m relieved that I won’t have to play mind games with you. Things will be easier with you, that I can tell. You may not ‘get’ me at once but you’ll still love me. I’ll feel comfortable enough to be who I am with you and I’ll feel no insecurity. I used to say that I hate the beginning phase of dating because it’s just so damn confusing. Well guess what — I will try to see that phase for what it is: a chance to get to know each other.

So yeah. I’m looking forward to meeting you eventually.

Love,

Tarah

I wanted to call him

Yesterday was day 17 of No Contact and I was ridiculously tempted to call or sms him. But I was worried that he’d ignore me as I  ignored his last sms to me.

So I controlled myself. I fooled around with my niece and I watched Youtube videos. I read Slate and I watched some crappy television series on tv.

And then he sent me an email today. I don’t know what he wants but it’s probably about some book he’s planning to read.

What he doesn’t know is that he’s giving me more strength to move on, now that he’s once again trying to contact me. Zis is good…

Baby steps

So I’m doing good. Really good. I’m starting to realise that I can’t be friends with Khanya. Not yet. Perhaps in 8 or 84 months but not yet. I’m feeling less tempted to sms him. If he really miss me then he’d call me.

Today is day 12 of No Contact. I’m gonna hang in there.

I get honest with myself

I am attracted to men who can’t commit. I enjoy the drama. I enjoy wondering whether he’ll change. I enjoy wondering why he still hasn’t called me. I do, however, have less drama in my life. My job is great, I’m exercising, I’m writing, everything’s great. So perhaps I feel that I ‘need’ drama in the form of relationships or else I’ll get bored.

I’m trying hard not to respond to Khanya’s sms from Sunday night. Baggage Reclaim is helping me to resist. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But I really want to, if only to tell him to call me when he has his act together. Pieter and I are on speaking terms again — I know, I know — but that has to stop. I told Gareth to piss off and did the same with Uri.

So yeah. This is difficult but it’s something I have to do. And I will never again claim that I want a ‘uncomplicated’ sex/relationship. Because that’s a big fat lie.

I overanalyse stuff

I’m spending too much time and energy analysing everything about Khanya. I should rather use the time to read FT.com or the Economist instead.

So I’ve cut off all contact with him. It’ll be two weeks on Friday. He sent me an sms last night to tell me he’s missing me. Um, WTF?

This is confusing at best. I wasn’t in a good space last night but I would’ve been much better without receiving an sms like that. Anyway. Gotta stop analysing everything. Perhaps he was horny, who knows?

I’m back with a new discovery

I’m discovering something. I’m discovering that Khanya has a point about quality vs quantity. It’s funny how I agreed with him on this point but I still insisted on seeing him 3-4 times a week. So I’m thinking things over and I am coming to the conclusion that we both need time out to do stuff. He has to concentrate on his business, programming, reading, philosophy lectures, etc and I have to concentrate on beating him at Scrabble, finishing The selfish gene, boxing classes, time spent with my friends, and finishing my novel.

And when we do see each other it’ll be filled with talk about the latest book we read or about my trip to Vic Falls. We’ll never run out of stuff to talk about in this way.

‘Tis over

I told Pieter early this morning — about 7:30am — that I no longer want to speak to him. It’s over. It’s been over since Saturday afternoon already but I hadn’t wanted it to be.

This last weekend has been far too stressful. I don’t need this in my life. It’s too much drama, too much hassle, too much … everything. I’m considering moving back to my mom at the end of this month. But if not, I might find an apartment somewhere else. I don’t know yet.

Fuck.

I no longer recognise myself when I look in the miror. I don’t know myself anymore. Yes, of course I love Pieter. But. This has to stop.

I’m not too independent; I am me

So my scooter couldn’t start this morning. This is the same scooter that had been fixed — ‘fixed’ — just a fortnight ago.

I send Pieter an sms to let him know that the scooter is acting up again. I keep him updated on what I’m doing for the next 2 hours or so. And then he sends me an sms that says he longs for the day when he can do everything for me.

I respond by saying that I would never allow that; I can do most things for myself and would only ask for his assistance in an emergency. That’s how I had been brought up. Fend fer yerself! Trust no man! Be yer own best friend!

He obviously hadn’t like the sentiments I had expressed in that lone sms; I havn’t heard back from him all day long. Yes, sure, he’s driving back to Cape Town from Pretoria but that had never stopped him from sending SMSs before.

Here’s the thing: I don’t need a man to make me happy. I don’t need a man to support me financially. I don’t need a man to do everything for me.

I need a man to offer a helping ear when I’m feeling upset. I need a man to spoil me once in a while. I need a man to depend on when I somehow just can’t get things done [properly].

Relationships, especially the romantic types, are luxuries; we don’t need them to be complete. But luxuries are wonderful, in small amounts, no?

I need a man to listen to my utterances and to digest what I’m saying; I don’t want a man who ‘reads between the lines’ of what I’m saying. Someone who is happy with the smile on my face when I see him, someone who doesn’t need to be with me every single day, someone who has his own life.

I’ll call Pieter tonight to find out what had prevented him from speaking to me today. And if he tells me its because I’m too independent, I’ll have to end things.

It’ll be a pity: I had grown attached to him. But I can’t allow someone to manipulate me like this — the good ol’ fashioned silent treatment.

Things are toooo good

I met someone. It’s been more than a month. And he thinks he’s in love with me. He wants to get a divorce and marry me. Yes, of course he’s married…

The last month has been beyond interesting. I constantly have to remind him not to spend that much money on me. But alas, he doesn’t listen. That’s why I have a new netbook, Tammy Frazer bespoke perfume, a Mulberry Silk duvet and other luxury goods. And I’m not really complaining, either; I’m loving the attention and gifts.

But I feel guilty. Often.

I manage at least 5 or six hours’ sleep at night but it’s something I do worry about.

And I am unsure whether he is someone whom I can get married to. He’s sweet and only wants the best for me. But it’s been too soon. He’s probably still trying to impress me. And as soon as we had gotten married he would be complaining to his friends that I am spending too much of his money.

We had spent the weekend along the Garden Route. It had been lovely.

I just do not want to get used to all the things he can offer me. It’s a bit frightening. So why then had I introduced him to some of my family members? Why then do I long for his kiss or his arms around me when he isn’t around? Why then do I smile involuntarily whenever I see him walking towards me? And why am willing to adjust my wardrobe just a teeny bit to please him?

I am nearly there

Late last year I wrote about my tricky financial situation. Since then I paid just a bit over R17000 towards debt. I still have a long way to go but things really are looking better. I now need to pay back the company loan that I have. That should take 3 or 4 months, depending on whether our accountant will approve the new R5000 loan that I need to fix my busted scooter.

This morning I went to the Magistrate’s Court to have the Telkom Judgment rescinded. It took all of 5 minutes to do so. Well, first I had to pay more than double the original debt in interest and other charges. Then I got permission from Telkom’s attorneys to have the judgment rescinded. And then on Thursday I got an appointment to see the judge who has the power to rescind the judgment. I’ll never get into a situation like this again. Never.

And then — the best news, ever: I managed to save R120 into a fixed savings account. I’ll do this for 12 months. This will be a test run of sorts. I may end up buying shoes with the money. But who knows, I might decide to continue saving for a rainy day.

I’ll use today’s lunch hour to go find out how to get a new copy of my Matric results. So here are the figures:

Edgars	R 2 433.00	Paid Up
Truworths	R 4 313.00	New balance: R3813
Telkom Judgment	R 3 480.00	Paid R7080 and had the judgment rescinded on 4 May 2009
Woolworths	R 4 318.00	Proscribes on 15 May 2009
Nedbank	R 4 598.00	Begin paying R280 a month for 18 months on 26 May 2009
RCS	R 5 057.00	New balance: R4557
Virgin Money Judgment	R 12 808.00	Begin paying R1000 a month for 12 months in August 2009
Vet	R 1 400.00	Proscribes 10/07/2009
Nedbank Credit Card	R 2 754.00	Paid Up
Discovery	R 303.61	Paid R303.61
Vodacom	R 7 102.00	Begin paying R500 a month for 14 months in August 2009
Sainet	R 1061.08	Paid R1061.08
Leisure Books	R 226.15	Paid R226.15
	R 49 608.38	R32 633