Heya,

I’m starting to realise that I’m not yet ready for you. I’m trying to organise my life so that I’ll be the best Tarah. I want to love myself wildly, madly, ridiculously but I’m not there yet. I used to be all about the drama and I’m still a bit ‘about the drama’. That has to stop.

I’m getting closer and closer to loving myself. It took 27.5 years to get to this stage.

So you say that you’re intelligent, eh? Good for you. No, really, good for you. But that don’t impress me much. It used to, though. That and being emotionally unavailable — married, ‘busy’, or just interested in a good old time. But really, I’m glad that you are intelligent even though it’s no longer my defining criterium. Relationships aren’t about intelligence; relationships are about two people who love each other.

So please hang in there. Go out and have fun, work on yourself, learn as much as you can, and have more fun.

I’m relieved that I won’t have to play mind games with you. Things will be easier with you, that I can tell. You may not ‘get’ me at once but you’ll still love me. I’ll feel comfortable enough to be who I am with you and I’ll feel no insecurity. I used to say that I hate the beginning phase of dating because it’s just so damn confusing. Well guess what — I will try to see that phase for what it is: a chance to get to know each other.

So yeah. I’m looking forward to meeting you eventually.

Love,

Tarah

Yesterday was day 17 of No Contact and I was ridiculously tempted to call or sms him. But I was worried that he’d ignore me as I ┬áignored his last sms to me.

So I controlled myself. I fooled around with my niece and I watched Youtube videos. I read Slate and I watched some crappy television series on tv.

And then he sent me an email today. I don’t know what he wants but it’s probably about some book he’s planning to read.

What he doesn’t know is that he’s giving me more strength to move on, now that he’s once again trying to contact me. Zis is good…

Baby steps

07/04/2010

So I’m doing good. Really good. I’m starting to realise that I can’t be friends with Khanya. Not yet. Perhaps in 8 or 84 months but not yet. I’m feeling less tempted to sms him. If he really miss me then he’d call me.

Today is day 12 of No Contact. I’m gonna hang in there.

I am attracted to men who can’t commit. I enjoy the drama. I enjoy wondering whether he’ll change. I enjoy wondering why he still hasn’t called me. I do, however, have less drama in my life. My job is great, I’m exercising, I’m writing, everything’s great. So perhaps I feel that I ‘need’ drama in the form of relationships or else I’ll get bored.

I’m trying hard not to respond to Khanya’s sms from Sunday night. Baggage Reclaim is helping me to resist. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But I really want to, if only to tell him to call me when he has his act together. Pieter and I are on speaking terms again — I know, I know — but that has to stop. I told Gareth to piss off and did the same with Uri.

So yeah. This is difficult but it’s something I have to do. And I will never again claim that I want a ‘uncomplicated’ sex/relationship. Because that’s a big fat lie.

I overanalyse stuff

05/04/2010

I’m spending too much time and energy analysing everything about Khanya. I should rather use the time to read FT.com or the Economist instead.

So I’ve cut off all contact with him. It’ll be two weeks on Friday. He sent me an sms last night to tell me he’s missing me. Um, WTF?

This is confusing at best. I wasn’t in a good space last night but I would’ve been much better without receiving an sms like that. Anyway. Gotta stop analysing everything. Perhaps he was horny, who knows?