22/09.2007

To my fine German friend:

Fine… I’m only happy because of all the material goodness in my life. The rest is a hollow shell. I feel hollow cause I am hollow.

I have hardly any good friends left. The few remaining ones I get to see perhaps only once a month if I’m lucky. More often I don’t get to see them for months on end.

Toby and I …. eish. still not happy. it’s not working. i’ve tried to break it off so many times but it just didn’t work.

he cheated on me.. many times. i forgive him constantly. why?? cause i’m afraid of being single. cause we have build a semi-decent life together (with my money).

i want to run away from myself. can one do that?

i constantly dream of being killed, or of dying. the last dream i had like that was where i hear a noise from the front door. i open it and it’s a thief who then stabs me in the neck.

it hurt briefly but then it was bliss; i’m dead with no more responsibilities or tasks waiting on me. no more sadness. that sounds divine.

sorry.i just had to write to you. i know you’ll understand. or, i hope you’ll understand.

me

I need a life

25/02/2008

I need a life. I’m stalking Natasha again on Facebook. Browsing her photos. Wondering where Toby went wrong, wondering where I went wrong, wondering where everything went wrong. Iamastalker.

It’s still difficult to believe how he could fall for someone who’s probably double my size, but then again, I guess it’s not all about the outer appearances. I hope she’s making him happy. Really, I do. I didn’t make him happy.

I just couldn’t respect him. I out earned him, I thought I was smarter than him, I detested his weed smoking, I was always grumpy, he just couldn’t make me happy, no matter how hard he tried. There was always something wrong. Yes, you guessed right: I blame myself.

Only during the last couple of months did I finally realize he’ll always earn less than me and I’ll be the breadwinner. And, eventually, I started to make peace with that. But it was too late by then.

So, I doubt we’ll ever be friends, but … argh. Fuck her! (Not quite sure where that came from, promise)