About two months ago I wrote a post How do I know if I’ve had an orgasm?

I still don’t know if I’ve ever had one. Friends tell me what I’m experiencing, is what happens before an orgasm, and not the actual thing. Books describe it as the actual thing.

So, I’m confused. It’s only when I’m relaxed enough, that I can really enjoy getting licked. I used to have serious body issues in the past, so it was hard to believe someone actually want to eat me out.

It’s still embarrassing to talk about. Imagine what it’s like sitting in conversation with your girlfriends, talking about sex and orgasms, and them almost expecting you to share your experiences. And being too embarrassed to.
It’s even worse for me, because my friends see me as a highly sexual being. I’m loud and proud and they automatically think I know what I’m doing. In life, in love and in bed. While I’m not bad in bed (I do my share, and more), I feel inferior. Slightly. And I wonder why my friends think I’m such a dynamite in bed.

That person doesn’t exist. That’s the Tarah who is living in New York, the Big Apple. That Tarah is a freelance writer and submits articles to The New York Times. She attends art exhibitions in her Jimmy Choo’s; she has no problem getting an orgasm; she is engaged to a wonderful man who is probably an Art Professor at some fancy university; she deposits $1,000 into her mom’s account every single month.

I’m not her. We’re different. We live in different universes.

What happens then? The best feeling I’ve ever had, was an involuntary twitch in my legs. It happens when I’m very, very, very aroused and sometimes with the help of a vibrator. The first time I got this feeling, was with Victor. I couldn’t believe it. Finally, something happens. I was so glad to experience anything at all, so glad that I might be normal, after all.

And I’m not the only one. People find me mostly through searches such as the following:

  • how do women know when they cum
  • female orgasm
  • how do you know if your cumming?
  • how do i know when ive cum

My guess is that some of these searches are done by women. So if you’re reading this, I’m sorry that I don’t have the answers. I’m also just searching, just like you. Searching, hoping, panicking that I’m abnormal, but mostly hoping that someday, something will just click and I’ll be happy. Or happy(ish).

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My mom was and is still pretty progressive for her age and her proclivity for going to church. She’s told me many times how she would have wanted to become an escort if she had been brave enough. She’s also in favour of abortion. However, when it came to discussing sex with her, I was always too shy. I figured I knew everything I had to know about it. She did, in fact, give me a proper schooling in what to do should a boy want to touch me there. I knew babies are nestled in their mommy’s womb. I knew one could get AIDS from unprotected sex. I was covered, or so I thought.

Our physical education teacher showed us a very gruesome video in which a woman was giving birth and they had to cut into her perineum. I could be wrong, of course, but I distinctly remember them cutting… that was the extent of our physical education on our bodies in high school, from what I can remember.

I didn’t have Biology in Standard eight and for most of Standard nine, so I can’t comment on what they were taught. When Science became too tough, I switched over to Biology, but that was in the final term of Standard nine.

I also never masturbated when I was growing up. Or, I thought I did. But I would just stroke the labia’s outer lips, never really venturing inside, to my clit.

I would sometimes watch Blue movies and get turned on, but not know what to do with myself and I didn’t know where in my body I’m turned on.

Why do we neglect the clit so very much? Yes, I knew I had one, but I never knew that the clit is responsible only for intense pleasure. I never knew where to locate it. In fact, I never really saw mine until some months ago. I know, it’s sad. I was … ashamed, I think. I thought it looks slightly off-putting, never mind that all men love it. But I’m not alone! There are many, many other women who don’t masturbate. We don’t necessarily think it is a shameful deed; some of us could just not be bothered, and we’ve got boyfriends who insist on going down on us, so why should we look down there?

I read an amazing book at my local bookstore last night: I heart female orgasm. That book once again confirmed most of what I’ve read on the female orgasm: not everyone is sure they’ve had one; you don’t necessarily know that you’ve had one and not everyone’s orgasm is as strong as they are in the movies.

Goes to show, hey? Don’t believe everything you see on YouTube. It seems many women call their orgasms Mini-O’s because they think “Surely this can’t be it?” They then carry on for however long, thinking that one day, they’ll hit the big O, when actually, they already have.

Scary? Ask your girlfriend honestly if she’s ever had an orgasm. It isn’t as straight-forward as it may seem.

What’s the best way to know? Surely it’s not as straight-forward as just knowing? Is there a check-list for people like myself?