One of the google searches that led some unsuspecting searcher to my blog: how to know if a guy is into himself.

I don’t know whether this person saw it as a negative or as a plus. But I think it’s a good thing. You’re allowed to like yourself. So the guy whom you’re dating should also think highly of himself. If he doesn’t, who will? I’ve dated men who didn’t like themselves — Toby is one of them. Even Jozi boytjie is unsure about himself. I’d like to think it’s because they’re still young(ish).

So how can you tell whether a guy likes himself?

Well, it’s simple.

  • He doesn’t feel the need to crack jokes about himself, no matter how weird, fat or poor he may be. A guy who likes himself doesn’t need to do that; he is confident that his regular jokes will impress you. He won’t take the first girl who makes herself available to him. He’ll wait a bit.
  • He’ll dress nicely. No, really. He’ll take care of himself. So he won’t have dodgy teeth or cracked heels. He’ll always smell fresh.
  • He doesn’t apologise for liking something that you may scoff at.

If this were 08 January 2007 I would’ve been crying. Hell, on 08 January 2006 I *was* crying. But that’s a different story and it shows how much stronger I have become.

Fine, then. I cried a little yesterday. I cried after Jozi boytjie’s abrupt ‘Goodbye’ and I cried a little after speaking to LA late last night.

And I was shaking yesterday afternoon when I discovered someone at work is being dishonest. I called her over to my desk once, twice, three times. I made her explain why X and Y are identical. Can’t say much more than that, though.  And then I asked her to come with me to the boardroom. My hands were shaking. I was a mix of emotions. This is horrible to admit but I have lost my respect for her. Well, frankly, I have never had much respect for her. She tried to justify herself and acted as though she didn’t do anything wrong. But you can’t con a con-girl. I’m a good liar so I know when someone else lies to me. Here’s looking at ya.

So try to imagine the look on my face when I got home to discover my fridge has been unplugged since, um, Sunday? And that I lost R350 worth of meat?

I love this blog. I blogged about my breakup with Toby and adjusting to being single; I blogged about meeting and falling in love/lust with Victor; I blogged about the 50% salary increase I got in May 2008. Or did I? Eeep. Perhaps I didn’t. But I did complain about getting paid peanuts

I bitched about moving to suburbia, which didn’t feel like the real suburbia. But I somehow forgot to mention that I moved back to where my heart belongs. I took months to be able to blog about Mr Stellenbosch. I met a Jozi boytjie but it turned out He’s just not that into me.

It was a funny year for me. Nothing terrible happened. Well, except that I got some karmic justice, of course. I was single for more than 80% of it and I enjoyed it, mostly. Sure, it got lonely sometimes… but c’est la vie. And that’s why G-d invented wine. I like to think I have high standards, which is why I didn’t get involved with Mr Freelance Writer. But for some strange reason 2008 was the year that I had a thing for boys wif broad noses. It was also the year of livin’ dangerously: I finally allowed myself to buy the SATC boxset. 😉

I moved three times in 2008. No, sorry, I moved four times. I think that was the hardest part about 2008. Constantly worrying about where I’ll live. And dealing with the ex-landlady who sued me for R2600. Ai tog.

I am still struggling to orgasm. I sometimes wonder whether I would ever be able to. Perhaps I was the only coloured female on whom FGM was practised? Or perhaps not. Perhaps I just need to see a sexologist. End of this month, I promise. It’s an investment, right?

Anyway. I hope that I’ll be able to use this outfit finally. And I don’t even think I’ll force myself to lose weight for it 😉

I love receiving fan mail. Don’t we all? Except I don’t receive many long, detailed emails; only a few. So his email impressed me. And I read it again. When I decided to respond to it, I saw he wants to chat to me; we are both Gmail users.

See, I’m a Bad Person™. You already know that. But I do sometimes wish to meet my Knight in Shining Armour. Just sometimes. But I know that this is ‘real life’, so I carry no expectations.

For a while I had this fantasy: a sweet, intelligent (single) guy reads this blog and somehow, falls in love with me. I think they call this a ‘pipe dream’ or ‘shameful fantasy’. But it was nice. I’d curl up in bed and I’d dream dreams of this young man. He’d be charming, successful, intelligent and be nothing like Victor, Toby, Nick or Gareth. He’d be like the Jozi boytjie, actually. He’d have only good qualities. Or only one flaw.

He’d contact me through the tarah sweeney at gmail dot com address and we’d email each other constantly. We’d fall in love over email. We’d meet, and he’d be as charming IRL as over Gchat.

Something like this happened. Somehow someone found my blog, even though it wasn’t a simple ‘stumble upon’; this was different. He found my blog through a different channel: I posted an ad on Gumtree and used the tarah sweeney at gmail dot com addy. That ad. hmmm. I promise I was bored when I posted the ad on Gumtree. I can’t tell you the title; you might remember it from browsing the ‘Casual Section’. Hell, what if you responded to it?

I got many replies. From married men. From singles. From men who only wanted to see what I look like. From men who wanked themselves silly over the possibility of meeting me.

The ad had nothing to do with Uri’s suggestion. I promise that, too. What he suggested I shall not say.

Someone responded. He sounded nice. And somehow, I responded to the ad he placed on the Gummy Tree, too. And I mentioned this in my email to him. He is involved in a long-term relationship, coloured, a young professional who likes the good things: whisk(ey), wine and pretty girls. I was interested, but not much: his relationship status bothered me. For a change, I didn’t want to be the other woman. So I never responded. He persisted, though. But then he gave up. Or so it seemed.

He sent me an email, claiming to love my blog. But he used a different email addy and a different identity. Of course I felt flattered. I’m a wanna-be writer so it’s only natural that I’d feel proud. We spent two or three hours chatting over Gchat and he somehow convinced me to meet him for coffee. Everything was perfect: I was wearing a snazzy outfit; I felt confident; I didn’t feel threatened. We had a great evening, and then I saw him again.

And something felt different. He was vague about how he had ‘stumbled upon’ my blog. He doesn’t blog at all and this confused me. How many coloured guys read blogs? Hey, I’m just being curious, OK? I also noticed that we didn’t have much to talk about. It disappointed me. There we were at a wonderful restaurant with nothing to talk about.

So I sent him an sms. I told him I know he posted that ad on Gumtree. He obviously claimed innocence. And acted hurt that I did not believe him. And we didn’t speak for a while until he emailed me again — or did he send me an sms? — to ask whether I’d like to have a coffee with him. I felt bad about my prior outburst so I offered to buy him coffee. Which I did.

And then he told me that he did actually place that ad on Gumtree. Reader, I cried. I wasn’t a pretty sight at La Playa that day. And the damn toilets are so far away, too.

I couldn’t handle the idea that he’s involved with someone. After Uri I promised myself I won’t ever get involved with a man who is not available. I am amoral but I’d like to think I am improving slightly. Being an atheist does not give me the liberty to hurt other people. I hate being lied to. It’s bad enough that my sister Elizabeth lied to me about the iPod; I don’t also want to be lied to by someone who claims he’s interested in me. I am rather naive [this year].

I’ll admit that we have been emailing each other a bit since that day. Not recently, though. But somehow our plans always get cancelled. Perhaps it’s better like that.

I will enjoy being single for as long as I can.

I will buy property. I’m working on my credit profile so I’m sure I’ll be able to buy within 3 or 4 months.

I will spend more time with my family and the few friends I have.

I will weed out the friends who aren’t real friends.

I will blog every weekday. Bare minimum.

I will lead an enriched life: travel, study, see a sexologist, read and meet people.

I will learn to like myself.