I’m gonna fucking vomit in my mouth right fucking now. It’s such a pity she isn’t even skinny, otherwise I could call her The Stick Figure With No Soul. Let’s just call her Natasha, we might as fucking well.

She and Toby are boyfriend and girlfriend. Have been since early January already, which was when Victor and I were still conducting a long distance thingy…

She kept her profile hidden from public view for a loooooong time. See, I’m a crazy stalker woman. She needed to keep her personal life hidden from me when I found out he is cheating on me with her. I went as far as to log into Toby’s Gmail account and read their gchats live. I was also able to log into (or is it onto?) his Facebook account. This is how I got her telephone number. So one day, I was at work (the one that fired me, or, rather, forced me to resign) and was having fun reading their inane little gchat convo. Well, it was fun reading it until she promised she’ll call him from work. So I did what any self-respecting girlfriend would do: I phoned her and screamed at her to fucking stop calling him. LOL.

She could be my twin sister. We look similar; I’m just prettier, of course. And skinnier. And cleverer. Although not as much as I used to be. And it pisses me off – Toby always used to complain about my weight and about my curly hair… And now she is possibly 20 kilos heavier than me (fucking massive arms…OMG) and she’s got curly kroesies. Someone pass me a bucket, please?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

So. I think what pisses me off the most is that they went to Kirstenbosch some weeks back (or is it ago?). He never wanted to go with me… And he already introduced her to his brother and cousin. That’s a fucking big deal to him. Good grief! Her status updates are enough to make one puke, especially me. She’s the fucking reason Toby called it quits. Fine, she’s the reason I called it quits. The fucking cow has 1700-odd wall messages.

Argh. The weirdest thing is that I’d love to be friends with her… I know, I’m fucked up. Totally and completely and utterly and whatnotnot. In fact, I’ve got a slight crush going on… argh. It’s a thin line between love and hate, right? Corny but true.

I’ll have to brace myself for the inevitable: seeing them together some day, holding hands and being all fucking lovey-dovey. It’s gonna happen.

Let’s hope my crush has worn off by then so that I can give her a good old klap when I meet/see her.

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My dear Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills tagged me with a 50 things you didn’t know about me challenge. I guess it’s as punishment for commenting on her list… Oy vey. So here goes!

1.      I read dictionaries. For fun.

2.      My standard order at a restaurant begins like this: “Please may I have a tall glass of water with no ice or lemon.” This is followed by a confused look on the waiter’s face, possibly because it happens to be a HOT day.

3.      I imagine scenarios in my head and play them out. This could happen anywhere, so beware!

4.      I’m lazy and messy and my flat is always a disaster area. I don’t do dishes very often, but that’s ok because I don’t eat much. So there’s hardly anything really to clean. But my flat’s almost always deurmekaar.

5.      I’m addicted to the internet.

6.      My very best friend is actually not very clever and I look down on her for that. But I love her still. Eeek.

7.      One glass of wine is all it takes.

8.      My debt is close to 60k, though possibly closer to 50k these days – I think. The last time I did calculations was in early 2007

9.      I don’t have any degrees or diplomas. I never studied after school but I have a job that required a degree just to be interviewed. So I guess I’m really good at marketing myself.

10.  I tend to wear clothing to showcase my ample cleavage to work.

11.  I was forced to resign from the job before this one. I received a tidy settlement and partied! Well, as much as a geeky girl can party…

12.  I’m very honest; if I don’t like you, you’ll know.

13.  I bought my very first CDs some weeks back.

14.  I used to struggle to open CDs until I got my own…

15.  I would love to be a stay-at-home mom.

16.  At times I think I might be the only person in the whole wide world who has not seen Titanic…

17.  I taught myself how to play chess.

18.  Toby and I moved in together after knowing each other for only 2.5 months.

19.  I am basically an only child. I have two half sisters (mom), one half sister (dad), four half brothers (dad), one step sister (step dad) and one step brother (step dad). My dad’s other daughter has kroes hair and I hate her for it. Why can’t she be pretty?

20.  I love cooking for friends, not lovers or myself.

21.  I spent my teenage years reading…and I slightly regret it now.

22.  Once, I was in desperate need for cash… I phoned an escort agency in the area I used to stay, and worked there for one night. This means I can never become president. Or if I do, I’ll legalise prostitution. And I’ll make them pay tax, damn it!

23.  I think about dying at least once or twice daily.

24.  I’ve had many, many, many crushes on gay guys.

25.  I’m concerned Victor may have found this blog… He asked me something last Sunday that got me thinking about the blog. Fuck.

26.  I once got evicted for not paying rent.

27.  I’m petrified of anything happening to my face. I’m very shallow in that regard. But it’s because I *do* have a pretty face…

28.  There used to be a picture of my darling kitty in Long Street, opposite RCafe. It’s gone now. *sobs silently*

29.  I have lost my brilliant ability to write in Afrikaans, yet I contacted an editor at a leading newspaper and asked if I can write a weekly column for the paper. Silly me.

30.  I dig lay-buys! I wish more stores can offer them. I’m currently lay-buying a sideboard. Ja, I’m old-fashioned!

31.  There are some books that I read just so that I could say I have read them.

32.  I hate being the same as everyone else. I need to be contrary. And that quality has lost me many jobs!

33.  I take customer service very seriously. Very, very, very, very, very seriously. Much more serious than most other people. And I get sorted out because I know who to complain to.

34.  I love the idea of reading the Sunday Times… not actually reading it!

35.  I have a foul, foul, disgusting mouth. I’m very polite on this blog…

36.  I don’t think I’ll ever get a learner’s license… what for?

37.  That woman, whatshername… Andie Mcdowel, I can’t stand her. There’s something about her eyes… and her acting that just bug me.

38.  My bags are mostly old-fashioned ones.

39.  I used to read music when I was little, but I could actually listen and play much better. I found the music reading very confusing.

40.  Victor and I met through Datingbuzz!!

41.  I’m a girl.

42.  I don’t trust people who don’t drink…except one person, of course. And that’s only because I love you so much, my darling!!

43.  Silence is golden. Nuff said.

44.  I’m a loner.

45.  I need a date for the poetry thingy at Spier.

46.  I hate brands (well, most of them) but love to be seen at the “right” places.

47.  Right now, I treasure this moment. It’s quiet, I’m alone, I’m not stressed out, I’m sated and I’m writing. What can be better?

48.  I don’t watch television much.

49.  I dislike all clubs, though I might go if you’re insistent enough. Let’s rather share a superb bottle of wine or bubbly in my flat and talk kak about whatever.

50.  When I get married, I wouldn’t want to stay in the same house as my spouse. I would only want to see him/her once a week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say.

51.  My rent is half of my nett salary.

Yeah, I know it’s 51 things… I just wanted to be contrary. He he he he.

The old Tarah is rearing her head once again. Now, I quite like the old Tarah. She’s a super feisty lady… the problem is that she could sometimes be too feisty.

Something else started again last night. I did it. I pilfered something. Eeek. Fuckit. It was there, so I took it. It looked interesting.

Perhaps I needed a bit of excitement last night. I got home, read two chapters from one of my favourite books, downed 1.5 glasses of white wine and fell asleep at about 9pm … Wow. I have such an interesting life.

I feel guilty, but not very. I’ve done this so many times, I even hauled myself into therapy because of it. The only problem is that it got too expensive. Well, there were many problems. I was also forced to resign, so I kinda, um, you know, lost my Medical Aid cover in November last year. But that’s another long story.

Fuck. I really don’t want a rehash of the same old story. And no, I don’t want help. Or not really. The worst thing is that it’s so damn easy to pilfer stuff. I deliberately use the word pilfer, even though it might not have the exact same meaning as the S-word. I want to feel better about myself.

It’s not as though I pilfer because I’m poor, though I used to … sometimes. I’ve got food in my fridge, I’m getting my salary cheque next week, I have enough transport money. I’m sorted, actually. But my morals have taken a bit of a beating, and I’m to blame for it.

Why do I do it, then? Um, well, it’s damn exciting. Take the feeling of being in love and multiply it with the excitement caused by the first kiss (as long as he doesn’t slobber in your mouth) and then add that burst of panic you experience when you stand at the till point and you want to charge something to your maxed-out credit card. That’s about how exciting it is to … um .. you know. Especially if it’s expensive perfume you managed to st .. pilfer.

I will stop. I know it. I just don’t know if I can. I went without doing anything for so long. More than a couple of months. I was so proud of myself. Even told a friend about it on Saturday, telling her it’s under control. She was shocked, but didn’t judge me at all. She’s also done some pretty intense things.

Phew. This feels like my daily confessional! And perhaps it is.