Found this in Gmail just now

05/03/2008

22/09.2007

To my fine German friend:

Fine… I’m only happy because of all the material goodness in my life. The rest is a hollow shell. I feel hollow cause I am hollow.

I have hardly any good friends left. The few remaining ones I get to see perhaps only once a month if I’m lucky. More often I don’t get to see them for months on end.

Toby and I …. eish. still not happy. it’s not working. i’ve tried to break it off so many times but it just didn’t work.

he cheated on me.. many times. i forgive him constantly. why?? cause i’m afraid of being single. cause we have build a semi-decent life together (with my money).

i want to run away from myself. can one do that?

i constantly dream of being killed, or of dying. the last dream i had like that was where i hear a noise from the front door. i open it and it’s a thief who then stabs me in the neck.

it hurt briefly but then it was bliss; i’m dead with no more responsibilities or tasks waiting on me. no more sadness. that sounds divine.

sorry.i just had to write to you. i know you’ll understand. or, i hope you’ll understand.

me

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4 Responses to “Found this in Gmail just now”

  1. Ray Says:

    Nobody needs to run away from themselves. All you have to do is to open your mind a bit and change for good.
    It’s up to you to make new friends and keep them in touch. Don’t live by wanting something in return. If you call a good friend the third time and he or she doesn’t call back, call a fourth time.
    It’s not an easy goal, but it feels unimaginable when you get to the point where you really do things without the need for anything in return.

    Any mirror will look sad at you if you’re sad.

    Kind regards.

  2. callith Says:

    It was the best dream ever. The one of dying.


  3. dude.

    stop talking like a crazy lady.

    the only thing that keeps me sane is thinking that before things can get better, they have to be bad…. so when you get good again, you can really appreciate it.

    chin up, cookie!

  4. callith Says:

    d00dette

    I’m a little crazy, ’tis true. But this is what I felt like late last year. I no longer think of dying every single day.

    Toby and I are now broken up, completely! And I met Leigh-Anne, amongst others, so I no longer feel very lonely.

    Yes, I still feel pretty hollow sometimes, but, ag, whatever. I’ll become a volunteer for BBBSSA to inject some meaning into my life.

    My biggest problem is that I crave excitement. I need to let go of that. Then my life will be good. Better. You think?

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