How to survive in Apetown


How to survive – Apetown style

Many, many of my friends and acquaintances have told me over the years they admire me; I can hustle when I’m really pushed into a corner. At some stage I thought of hosting a monthly class, aka Carrie from SATC, but on how to get men to fund your admittedly-not-so-lavish-lifestyle.

What I have learnt over the years (really only since 2006, if I have to be honest) is that men will give anything for a really good blowjob. Even more if you swallow their stuff. Don’t get me wrong: I love swallowing the right guy’s stuff. And that’ll be Victor, as I did on Saturday. It wasn’t bad, actually… Anyway. Anyone else, well, it’s kinda eeew. But I’ll do it if the money/reward/spank is good enough.

So how did I survive being fired three times in 2006-7? Oh, it was easy.

I pilfered a lot last year. For some strange reason, I pilfered a ton of books! That didn’t really help me to keep my tummy full; it was an attempt to distract me from my poor surroundings. Sometimes I would return the pilfered item to a different store and receive a refund. Depending on which store it is I could then buy something else with that money/credit note. That is how I managed to buy a kettle early last year.

On another occasion, I pilfered a really cute clock. The price: R199. I’m not entirely sure what I did with the credit I received from the store. I think I bought another towel; I was gatvol of Toby using my damn towels. On another occasion, I pilfered some really fancy perfume. I managed it with a horde of sales assistants crowding around me.

The men in my life also helped me a lot. I think I’ve already written about Muhannad and how he used to give me money. R2000 here, R3000 there, it doesn’t matter; he’s got more money than Allah. Uri also helped me a bit. I once placed an ad – I placed many, many ads – on Gumtree, to which many guys responded. One of them contacted me and made the mistake of constantly calling me. Once, he called me a couple of minutes after Muhannad cancelled on me. So I was teary and not in a good mood. I then told him I’m upset because I’m getting evicted from my flat. Well, it was true!

The very next day, he drove from wherever he was staying and gave me R800 to help me. Yes, he wanted to shag me, but it didn’t happen. Remember I said I don’t do coloured guys? I never heard from him again.

So when I didn’t receive money from random Gumtree men, I would receive it from Uri or Toby or even from Anton.

Anton’s a character and a third. He started out very nice, and then turned progressively bad, then good, then bad. Anton is a character for another blog post on another day after I had had two or more glasses of red wine and I’m listening to angry chick music.

Another survival tactic was my Virgin Credit Card. Wow. What an amazing contraption. I don’t know if I’ll ever pay what I owe to Mr Branson, I think I’ll just worship his card thrice daily. It kept me from starving at the end of 2006. Unfortunately, when I thought I needed it most, Mr Price picked up that it is a Hot Card and alerted Virgin Money. At that stage I was already 7k over my limit of only 5k. Well, it was my fault: I asked them to lower the limit, thinking I won’t really need a 7k credit card limit. So silly of me, I know.

So I knew what it feels like when I wanted you to imagine you’re at the till and you want the card to go through and not be declined.

Oh. I also did a tiny bit of freelancing. Not much. Not enough. But I did it, and it somehow got me a job at my present company. God knows what will happen if they find my blog.

So, kids. Do not think I’m nice. I’m not. I know how to take care of myself. I might never become the bergie with Swarovski earrings, but I will always have street smarts. If Uri decides my blowjobs are kak, I’ll find some other sugar daddy in a beat. Trust Craigslist/Gumtree/(insert random, dodgy bar’s name here) for that.

Hmmm. Methinks I may need to ingest something not liquid. So, cheers vir eers! – Ant Stienie van Agter Elke Man. (The trippy writing style I attribute to my boobs being as big as they are today and also to a rather nice 2007 Robertson Winery Sauvignon Blanc. It looks cheap, and it is – only R24 at Pick n Pay – but it’s damn nice!


15 Responses to “How to survive in Apetown”

  1. Lee Doyle Says:

    Damn, I need to get me some money…

  2. I now use my pram to shoplift when things are looking bleak…

    the boyfriend dont need to know that no-one actually paid for the groceries in our cupboard…


    hey, we all do what we gotta, right?

    i spend all my money on The Kid – buying him cute clothes and toys, who has money to pay for groceries after that??

  3. Goblin Says:

    Damn, I need to find some dudes like that when I want to hit the casino

  4. callith Says:

    @Lee: Today’s payday, so I won’t need to pilfer!

    @EMCT: You go, girl! I’m so proud of you!

    @Goblin: Rich men suck. In the wrong way. But they’re good to have around when you’re stuck.

  5. Lee Says:

    OK, I am in serous mood now.

    Without pissing you off I am going to try to ask this question.

    So you would/have give blow jobs if the situation needed it? Or go further?

    And I did not fully understand the work thing… You did to keep your job? Or that was something else?

    To tell you the truth, I believe most girls are like this… But your one of the only ones I know who talk openly about it… Which I love.

    I just wish I had more money, and was a big boss of some sexy firm… Oh and that you worked there.

    Did I piss you off? I get confused with what I can say here… I don’t think I have read anything quite like this before

  6. callith Says:

    Hey Lee.

    No, I never gave bj’s to keep my job. I have been fired from so many jobs, I’ve lost count.

    My morals have taken a sound knocking… I’m sorry to admit. So I don’t know what I would do if I had to blow someone to keep my job. It’d depend on the situation, I guess. Let’s just hope it never happens!

    And trust me, just cause you’re the boss of some big, sexy firm, doesn’t guarantee you love and happiness. Or, don’t trust me. Your call.

    Nah, you didn’t piss me off. Why do you think that? I like that you’re curious and honest. That’s good!

    Go right ahead, comment more. It could make for interesting conversation.

  7. Lee Says:

    Good, I was not that that curious till I found this blog…

    I am not sure where your from in this world but here in England we have whats called the Chav culture… With this comes a lot of teens having babies and so on… Well I remember it was about a month or so ago I was going to the shops (Local) and this girl said to me “Ill give ya a bj if you buy me some fags”.

    Well, I was so taken back that she asked me this, but it was not just the question it was the fact she was also willing to give me the money for fags…. and still give me the offer… deal or what?

    I never took her up on the offer (I swear) but it just made me think of this when I read it… and it makes me wonder how sex and sex acts are now seen as lesser things in our culture.

    Before you never even talked about it, and it was sold… now its just a “I need a fag, too young… ill offer sex”

    here is a question for you,

    Do you think that with women becoming more powerful and confident these days with jobs, and open relationships is good for women? I am not saying this in a sexist way at all. Its just you look back 30-40yrs and see the difference and also look at our culture and you see how different it is these days.

    Also, do you think it has effected children? As mums works more, and some dads are now taking on the Old Fashioned role of the mother… Do you think maybe women are losing something?

    Its just its us and our children who will be feeling the effects of all this as your the next generation of women coming from that age. And your also more adapt to it then maybe our mothers were, and more confident (Not just you, but our age range in general.

    Just some thoughts of mine… Maybe I should have put them in a email 😛

  8. mistyjade Says:

    A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

  9. callith Says:

    Hi Lee

    I’m sorry, I didn’t notice your comment until just now… browsing the web on my cell.

    Um. You made some good points. May I have a think and a half, and then write a proper, lucid post about it? It won’t be half intellectual, so don’t worry.

    It’ll just be my take on sex. Sort of.

    @ Mistyjade – So true!! Sometimes, you just need to slip that extra something into your handbag because you know that when you reach the tillpoint, you won’t be able to pay for everything.

    I sometimes feel sad but then I tell myself it’s not really as bad. Some okes swindle millions out of other people. Me? I just try to get by on the odd occasion. And then some!

  10. miss curious Says:

    i never have tried to swallow it ever how does it taste? is it good? is it bad or good for your health?

  11. callith Says:

    Hi Miss Curious

    I don’t mind swallowing, but I’d prefer not to. It doesn’t taste like anything; it’s the temperature that gets to me: it’s lukewarm. not that amazing, really.

    And I far prefer a creamy consistency… or perhaps I’m just strange!

  12. Lee Says:

    Ohh man…. I love girl talk…

  13. miss curious Says:

    can u please tell me what makes men really go crazy and wild in bed?

  14. callith Says:

    Miss Curious: I am not the best person to ask this. But I have found that all men (or most of them) love a fondling of their balls.

    Some also enjoy having their perineum stroked. Blowjobs are fabulous, most men love it.

    Kissing is great, and a little underrated.

    Also, letting yourself go totally, is guaranteed to drive him crazy with lust for you. Don’t be self-conscious of your body, he’s lucky to see you naked, never mind having sex with you!

    The more self esteem you have, the more positions you are willing to try.

    And just have fun! That is really what it’s about, isn’t it?

  15. […] in Kloof Street. We were having a lovely time and all and all; I wasn’t worried about my Virgin Card being declined and we had a lot of catching up to do. I regaled her with my latest dating horror stories and she […]

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