It’s starting again

23/01/2008

The old Tarah is rearing her head once again. Now, I quite like the old Tarah. She’s a super feisty lady… the problem is that she could sometimes be too feisty.

Something else started again last night. I did it. I pilfered something. Eeek. Fuckit. It was there, so I took it. It looked interesting.

Perhaps I needed a bit of excitement last night. I got home, read two chapters from one of my favourite books, downed 1.5 glasses of white wine and fell asleep at about 9pm … Wow. I have such an interesting life.

I feel guilty, but not very. I’ve done this so many times, I even hauled myself into therapy because of it. The only problem is that it got too expensive. Well, there were many problems. I was also forced to resign, so I kinda, um, you know, lost my Medical Aid cover in November last year. But that’s another long story.

Fuck. I really don’t want a rehash of the same old story. And no, I don’t want help. Or not really. The worst thing is that it’s so damn easy to pilfer stuff. I deliberately use the word pilfer, even though it might not have the exact same meaning as the S-word. I want to feel better about myself.

It’s not as though I pilfer because I’m poor, though I used to … sometimes. I’ve got food in my fridge, I’m getting my salary cheque next week, I have enough transport money. I’m sorted, actually. But my morals have taken a bit of a beating, and I’m to blame for it.

Why do I do it, then? Um, well, it’s damn exciting. Take the feeling of being in love and multiply it with the excitement caused by the first kiss (as long as he doesn’t slobber in your mouth) and then add that burst of panic you experience when you stand at the till point and you want to charge something to your maxed-out credit card. That’s about how exciting it is to … um .. you know. Especially if it’s expensive perfume you managed to st .. pilfer.

I will stop. I know it. I just don’t know if I can. I went without doing anything for so long. More than a couple of months. I was so proud of myself. Even told a friend about it on Saturday, telling her it’s under control. She was shocked, but didn’t judge me at all. She’s also done some pretty intense things.

Phew. This feels like my daily confessional! And perhaps it is.

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7 Responses to “It’s starting again”

  1. Goblin Says:

    If you can’t bare your soul here where can you huh? So exactly which perfume was it? Huh huh huh?

  2. callith Says:

    Chanel # 5!!! I loooove it.

    Yeah, thanks love. This is very cathartic.

  3. Goblin Says:

    Ooooh nice choice! Yeah, I’d pilfer for that too

  4. callith Says:

    You won’t believe the rush it gave me… Eish. It was flippen fab!

  5. Goblin Says:

    hehe, I remember the rush at pilfering a set of pencil crayons from a toy shop when I was a kid so I can imagine this was that times a thousand. Jirre, we’re delinquents.

  6. callith Says:

    Goblin, I’m so glad I’m not the only one. LOL.

    Yeah, you’re a minor delinquent, though. I’m a mid-sized one. D’ya know of anyone who can make us cute little badges for our blog??? LOL


  7. […] So I knew what it feels like when I wanted you to imagine you’re at the till and you want the card to go through and not be declined. […]

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