Nick falls of the Gaydar


Perhaps you have been wondering why I am so paranoid over the possibility of losing my job. Perhaps you have been wondering why I always say I’m evil.

About one and a half years ago I got involved with Nick and things were great for a while. We made a very cute couple: I was cute and fragile; he was big, handsome and bulky.

We didn’t really last for very long. Some time after we had sex, he just pulled a disappearing act on me. I suppose I had something to do with it; perhaps I was very clingy … or something. Perhaps he was just a big fat cunt.

So anyway. He pulled his little disappearing act, but I carry on with my life, wondering if I did something wrong. I invite him to a party I held at my flat, he doesn’t show up. I decide to forget about him.

Two months later, he calls me. I almost didn’t answer that call … if only. He offers me a part-time job. I had to write four articles on online dating every month. The only condition attached to the job offer was that I get a computer and DSL. I think about it, I wonder if I can afford it. I tell him I need to consider it.

He calls me continuously throughout that day, raising my expectations. Offers to pay for the DSL as well as the installation costs and makes me an offer of a full time job. Of course I accepted it!

Nedbank approves a R9000 personal loan two weeks later and I buy my first ever laptop the following day. Telkom installs my DSL line and I start work on 16 August 2006.

He didn’t expect me to know everything about copywriting for an online dating site. I kept telling him how very little I know. I struggled. Very much. I couldn’t get the tone right and I couldn’t get the subject matter right. I asked him and his business partner for assistance but never received anything that helped me.

They fired me shortly before my birthday in September. Nick didn’t even have the decency to call me to inform me of the termination; he sent me an email. They didn’t even give me a month during which to prove myself, though they knew I am not a qualified copywriter. True, one does not need a degree in rocket science, but some experience certainly helps. Or, rather, I’m sure I could have proved myself had they given me a bit longer than a month.

I had to get back at Nick. Somehow. I took a photo I had of him and created a cutesy profile for him on Gaydar. I left his telephone number on the profile. I filled out his personal details as accurately as I could remember: race – white; hair colour – brown; build – big; penis size – small.

I rocked with laughter at all the responses his profile received, and, because I didn’t want to keep it to myself, I sent him the URL to it. I just had to! Gaydar promptly closed down his profile, as expected, but I had my revenge. Sort of.

I’m still paying off the personal loan. I still owe Telkom money from having that DSL. My credit record is fucked because of Nick. Merci beaucoup.

some day when I’m a big girl, I will have the heart to forgive him. But not today.


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